Have you ever gotten really annoyed with someone who seems to be dedicated to avoiding conflict? You know the ones – instead of talking with someone about a specific concern one on one, they wait until they are in a group meeting, and then they bring it up in general ways, making everyone sit through it, wondering who it really is that is the object of the conversation. Or maybe they won’t commit, preferring to stay on the fence, so anything they “say” really isn’t saying anything. Those are usually people who are trying to avoid conflict. They used to drive me nuts, until I decided they are probably trying to prevent conflict. But there is a difference between avoiding and preventing conflict or confrontation.
Prevention, in my experience, is actually a set of skills. One of the skills is deep listening – putting every ounce of attention on what is being said, verbally and non-verbally. The ability to build agreement, changing the perspective by showing that the parties really are working toward a common goal, if only by different methods, is also key. Note that these are communication skills anybody can develop.
Yes, the skills may take some dedication to develop, and there may be a few highs and lows along the way, but it’s usually worth it in the end. Not only does it feel better to develop skills and present in an empowered way, but the results are also worth the effort. Does the idea that more communication reduces the fuel of the fire seem counter-intuitive?
Conflict generally occurs or escalates when people don’t have all the information, causing their imagination to fill in the blanks in order to make sense of the situation. The person waiting at home with dinner and candles on the table may, for example, fill in the idea that their spouse forgot about their anniversary or doesn’t love them when, all the while, the accused is actually late because he or she is picking up a special surprise.
We are, after all, meaning making machines, right? So, when people shut down, well, first of all, they are still communicating, though it often is not the message they really want to send. And, in shutting down, they force the other person to put the pieces together any way they can, and it usually isn’t in a positive way. That’s why conflict avoidance is not recommended as it can actually have the opposite of the desired effect. Contrast that with conflict prevention or resolution, though, where people stay open and communicate authentically, willing to risk vulnerability for a moment in order to prevent a lifetime of regret later. That’s how you turn unhappy clients into raving fans.
Attempts to avoid conflict generally do not have the desired effect, and yet people still do it, perhaps believing that entering into the discussion will make it worse. I hope I dispelled that myth, but don’t get me wrong – if you are hot, by all means, take the time you need to be able to express yourself authentically and ecologically. And feel free to encourage others to do the same. Just don’t walk away with the intention of having that be your complete response. Instead, let the other person know you intend to have a conversation, take the time you need to be able to identify what it is you need to say and to be able to say it ecologically…then have the conversation.
If you happen to enjoy humor, these conversations can really tickle your funnybone. It’s amazing how many times people end up laughing when they fill a communication gap, especially if they realize how close they came to losing a great relationship over something that wasn’t even real. And when you demonstrate that willingness to go the extra mile to stay in a difficult conversation, it often leaves the relationship stronger than it was before. If nothing else, your staying in the conversation will help you debunk this common statement: “They didn’t even want to talk about it – they just walked away. They don’t care about me or our relationship!”